Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
