This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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