I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just want to make out with him forever
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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