If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
