I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
