how can u be prego again
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
