if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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