Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
