I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
