Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
