I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
