i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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