im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
