Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
