apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
