dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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