be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
