I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
