Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
