The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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