Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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