I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
