omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
