I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
