I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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