Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
