Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
