speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
