He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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