She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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