Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
