Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
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