dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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