bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
