I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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