I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
