If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
