I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
