Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
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