I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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