Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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