You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
