I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
