woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
