you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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