I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
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