Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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