wanna go halves on a baby?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
