You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
