People in love make me want to vomit
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
