Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
